Welcome back to The Dating Scene! This is where I talk all things love and dating and give little tips, advice and a few of my own anecdotes about the dating scene.
So…you’ve managed to secure the First Date. Proceed as follows :
-Text all of your friends to let them know that is has happened, the first date is imminent. You’ll usually want to use LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS and a healthy dose of emojis in this text just to really get your enthusiasm across. They will respond with same. The one who doesn’t respond in the same manner will instantly be disowned and cast as the ‘jealous bitch who I never really liked anyway.’
-You will post a vague status on Facebook just to let everyone know that SOMETHING EXCITING has happened to you. You must be careful when doing this though…you don’t want your date to know just how excited you are so make it vague enough that you could be talking about anything. You don’t want to give them notions after all.
-You will mentally go through every single item of clothing in your wardrobe. After doing this, you will then consult your friends about every single item of clothing in your wardrobe. You will realise that everything you own is hideous and go shopping for THE outfit – the perfect mixture of slutty and wholesome that just doesn’t exist anywhere.
-You will have a nervous breakdown in the fitting room because nothing looks the way it should and you have suddenly developed two extra belly rolls. And rickets.
-You will spend far too long deliberating over whether or not you should shave your legs. You want to feel sexy but everyone knows you only shave your legs on a first date if you intend to have sex with your date right?
-You will decide to shave your legs. You will inevitably slice yourself numerous times and end up cursing yourself and society.
-The butterflies are starting to set in and there is a big part of you that is tempted to text your date with a crazy excuse (such as your cat fell down the stairs and has a broken tail) cancel the date and stay at home in your fuzzy pyjamas binge watching Sex and the City because it’s just easier.
-While getting ready, your hair gets caught in the hairdryer and you wonder why anyone else in the world would ever want to go out with someone who clearly hasn’t fully evolved yet. You are the type of person who gets their own hair caught in a hairdryer after all.
-After managing to dry your hair and not leave yourself bald, you start to apply your make-up. You only have to start over twice…the first time because you stuck your mascara wand in your eye and ended up looking like a cast member from The Clockwork Orange, and the second time because the red lipstick you put on made you look like you’d stuck your lips in a blender.
-Hair done, face done, its time to put on the new outfit. You’re starting to panic because you’d intended on leaving the house in ten minutes so you wouldn’t be late. Your hair is starting to get frizzy because you’re sweating from running around getting dressed and for some reason the amazing new outfit that you bought isn’t so amazing any more. You turn off the Rihanna / Drake / whatever music you use to get yourself pumped, because you can’t concentrate while it’s on in the background. Fuck off Drake.
-Pulling every single item out of your wardrobe again, you finally decide to wear the same dress you wear everytime, because it’s comfortable and it makes your boobs look good. You’ll return the new outfit tomorrow, sure.
-By now your date has texted you to say they’re on their way and you still haven’t put on your jewellery. You’re questioning your very existence and wondering why on earth you agreed to go out on this date…it is the most stressful thing you’ve ever done. And you probably won’t even get on that well and you’ll never see each other ever again so it’s all been for nothing..NO, positive mental attitude, earrings are in, perfume is sprayed, bag is ready and it’s time to go.
-Hailo a taxi and you’re on your way.